Creating the Space

We inherently knew it when we created Someone To Tell It To. But it was this response early on that cemented the understanding and the commitment we have to meeting people “where they are” - physically, emotionally, spiritually. When we asked her, when she reached out to us via email to be listened to, how she wanted to share with us, we offered options and ways that we could listen. Options such as meeting in person, over Skype (the leading virtual platform at the time), via email, and over the phone. She quickly wrote back:

“I’ve decided that initially I would like to just communicate
via email. I’m not sure if it will even go any further than
that. I decided against Skype to start because the things
I have to say are so awful and I’ve never told anyone most
of it. I think I would try to make you like me on Skype,
and if I did that, I would not be able to tell the truth …”

“I would not be able to tell the truth.”

That is a response we will never forget. It was so insightful, so self-aware, so profound. 

We know that the truth can set us free when we feel safe enough to share it with people we trust. And it is trust that is essential. As listeners and leaders in listening, Someone To Tell It To believes that it is imperative that we create the kind of space for people in which they feel inherently comfortable enough, that we are always trustworthy to hold their experiences, feelings, and thoughts with empathy, compassion, and respect. This is a principle - a value - that must neither be weakened nor violated. If we do not create that kind of space for Someone we will not enable them to be free to share all that they ultimately need to share to find clarity, peace, and healing in their lives. We cannot express this strongly enough.

A good and effective listener creates that kind of space. A good and effective leader is that kind of listener.

So that is why, over the years, Someone To Tell It To has listened with people not only in person, but also via email, now over Zoom and Google Meet, through texting, Facebook private messaging, What’s App, on the phone, through the mail, and why we share messages on our podcast series, in newsletters, in public presentations, and in blogs like these.  

We want people to tell the truth. As fully and completely as they can. 

But they won’t if they don’t feel safe, especially at the beginning of our relationship with them. 

Not everyone can easily talk in person, face-to-face. Some feel freer in writing their truth, or having a boundary, like the phone, where they cannot be physically seen, in texting it, or in any of the various technological platforms that exist today. 

Whatever will work to help Someone feel comfortable, is our mantra. Even if they are comfortable meeting in person, we have rarely - very rarely, met Someone in our office. We offer them that choice, but also the choice of their home, in a park or on a walk, in a coffee shop or restaurant over a meal, or by sharing a beer, visiting in a hospital room, or wherever they feel most comfortable. 

Whatever will work, so that as much of the truth that can be told can be told. 

It works. It creates trust. It fosters connection. 

And that’s what helps us all to begin to heal.

As we wrote about her in Someone To Tell It To’s book, Sharing Life’s Journey, 

“Her story, in our early years, and so many others like hers, accurately describe many in today’s world who feel as if they cannot share their true insides, their real selves, because of the judgment they receive, the condemnation, and the harsh words that cut them off and close them down. People can’t heal if they don’t first reveal.

“‘Your caring means the world to me. I’m hoping that I may be entering a period of peace after a few really awful weeks. The sun is shining, it is warm and pretty outside and such a day has to give one hope,’” she wrote.

We shared it to let her know that there was nothing she could say to us that would make us love her any less. Her value is not wrapped up in the mistakes she’s made or the shame she feels. Her value, instead, is in her humanity and the simple fact that she is alive and here on this earth. Here for a purpose. Here to have meaning. Here to love and be loved. Shame does not help her to feel loved, nor does it help her to love more fully and deeply. Shame only makes her—and most of us—feel unworthy and unloved. Shame, instead of motivating us to “do better,” usually causes us to give up, to try less, and to wallow in our humiliation.

“And that doesn’t help us at all.”

This is the kind of space we strive always to create