Having Compassion for Ourselves

Listening well is hard work.

There’s no doubt about it. It takes intention, patience, and our full presence.

It also takes a belief that everyone to whom we listen has something of value to say, an intentionality to create a safe physical and emotional space for every person we are listening to, requires asking good and non-threatening questions, and means listening with empathy, compassion, and a non-judgemental attitude. 

And, just as vital as all the other ways to listen well to anyone, it is best for the listener and the one being listened to, if we can take care of ourselves - having compassion for ourselves - to have our listening be the best it can be. 

In fact, cultivating self-compassion can also actually help us better react to our own life’s challenges, disappointments, and losses. 

In everything we do, if we can stop being so hard on ourselves, most of our lives will be better and less stressful.

Christina Caron, a writer on mental health and emotional wellness for the New York Times proposes in an article entitled, “How to Stop Being So Hard on Yourself”, that those of us who display self-compassion are more resilient throughout our lives.

The last of our six modules that train people to be more compassionate and attentive listeners, is all about taking care of ourselves. Compassion for our time, our boundaries, our biases, our anxieties, and our listening skills will enable each of us to listen more strongly and intentionally. We will be more effective for anyone we are listening to.

Self-compassion, according to Christina Caron, is recognizing that we are human, with flaws and imperfections. Everyone is. None of us are perfect or have brilliant listening skills all day, every day. Our attention and energy and capacity can ebb and flow. That’s okay. It simply means that we need to be mindful of the times when it ebbs, accepting those inevitable moments and periods, and giving ourselves grace and space in them. It’s not shameful or necessarily bad when we can’t listen as fully and presently as we’d like to. But recognizing when we are capable of being fully present and leaning into those times, while doing our best to set boundaries to protect ourselves when we cannot be as fully present, is one of the most helpful things we can do for ourselves and for those around us who might seek our listening attention. 

Christina Caron reassures us that self-compassion is not self-indulgent. Instead, it reduces burnout - and in turn, allows us to be better for others in their need. Self-compassion makes us better listeners. 

Sometimes, we simply need compassion breaks. Taking them enables us to not hurt others because we’re not listening well. The very best listening takes place when we are at our personal best and most attentive. We serve those being listened to and serve ourselves so much better when we have needed breaks from the hard work - especially the hard work of listening. 

Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash