Legacies

In my mid-20s, for a graduate class on grief and loss, we were assigned to write our own obituaries. 

It was a sobering assignment. 

One of the reasons for it was to help us come to terms with our own eventual mortality. Another was to help us experience a little of what people who are grieving losses go through when someone they love dies. A third reason was to have us propose how we would want to be remembered, what we would want our legacies to be.

I love to write; I took the assignment very seriously. Maybe a little too seriously.

I projected myself dying at age 35. 

I’m not exactly certain why I picked such a young age. But I have often never been someone who takes the easy way out. And probably more significantly, I know I had a concern about dying young. So, I thought that facing the concern might help me to explore what it was all about. 

Ultimately, I became a father for the first time that year. In looking back I was really just feeling the added responsibility of caring for a baby and being a responsible and good parent. I simply didn’t want to die before my son was grown. I still don’t want to die any time soon, now that he and my two younger sons actually are grown. 

When I turned 35, I remembered that obituary written a decade earlier. By that time, I had spent time with a lot of people who were dying. I had been with several when they died. I had gotten much more comfortable with this fact of life for all of us. And, I began to reflect a lot on what it meant to leave a lasting legacy beyond death. I began to think more about the legacy I would leave beyond this life, for however short or long this life might be. So I led my own class on grief and loss, to have conversations about the end of life and the legacies we want to leave.

Especially now, after decades of listening to some of the most intimate and deeply personal stories, hopes, dreams, fears, regrets, and unfinished business, I have a clearer and clearer vision of what I hope my legacy to be, of what I want to be remembered for. Essentially, it’s being:

Compassionate. Empathetic. Encouraging. Humble. Kind.

If nothing else, that’s what I want people to remember me for being. It’s a high bar I've set for myself. Those are my values. These are the traits that matter the most to me, the ones I most want to embody. I knew that I had a lot of work to do to live up to the legacy I wanted for myself. As part of the class I was leading, I took a page from my old graduate class and had the members of this new class write their own obituaries, and I joined them in writing an update of mine. The most significant update, in addition to having two more sons, was that this time, I projected my age at death as 99. It was to give me more time to live up to the legacy I wanted to leave.

Each of those legacy examples I treasure for myself are not easy to live up to. They’re hard work. We live in a world in which none of them are in vogue right now. They are often derided as weak, soft, ineffective. Often, they seem hard to find in an age of anger, contempt, derision, disconnection, and division.

So, I try every day to exhibit each of the five of them as much as I can. I fall short every day, too. But I try, and I make strides in the right direction, as imperfect as I am. 

In attempting to be compassionate, I try to recognize that every single human being experiences struggles and challenges on a daily basis. I try to give grace for others’ imperfections. I try to give grace for my own, as well. 

In striving to be empathetic, I try to connect with the feelings of others who are discouraged and disappointed, feeling down-on-their-luck and driven to disconnect from others with whom they disagree, and validate that those feelings are real.

In looking to be encouraging when others feel hurt, want to focus on divisions, or want to hang on to resentments - I try to encourage others to understand and know that forgiveness is stronger than bitterness and that love is stronger than hate.

In choosing to be humble, I try to remember that all of us are created as equals, each having unique and valuable gifts to offer this life and this world in which we all share.

In setting being kind as my default way of responding, I try to show that every person deserves to be heard, to be treated with dignity, to be respected, to be loved in this often harsh world. 

Again, every day, I come up short. But every day I try. Little-by-little I hope I am building up a legacy that outlives me, that positively affects countless other lives, and leaves this world a little less harsh, a little less judgmental, and a lot more generous, gracious, and loving. I want to set in motion a ripple effect that radiates within my family, throughout my community, across our country, and around the globe to make it a better place for me having been here - for more than 35 years, yes, but not yet 99. I hope there’s still time left to build a deeper and lasting legacy that lives on and on. 

My legacy stands on the legacies of those who have gone on before me. A grandfather who showed me the joy of play, humor and fun. A grandmother who delighted in her family and always made me feel special. A step-grandfather who embraced me as his own. Another grandfather whose decency and goodness was a gift to my character. Another grandmother who lived a life of service into her 97th year. A father who was always present, a hard worker, and showed that my life was a priority in his. And a mother whose humility and pride in who I am and who loved experiencing the larger world. They each were models who influenced and inspired the life I strive to live today. 

They and the countless others - teachers, mentors, coaches, extended family members, pastors, colleagues, historical titans, authors, good people who were good examples, and cherished and trusted friends, all left and continue to leave their legacies for me to build mine upon. 

Their lives will forever be part of mine. I hope that my life can be part of my children’s, my grandchildren's, and my great grandchildren's lives, and throughout the generations that follow them. There are too many names to even begin to mention. But I hope that I am naming them by living out their best qualities as I live out mine.