The Power of Gratitude

People usually don’t come to us for us to listen to them because things in their lives are going well. Most of the time, they reach out because life is difficult, disappointing, and filled with dilemmas. They need to express it and get it out. 

They come because they're lonely or grieving or regretful or resentful or depairing or broken or struggling with something they cannot overcome alone. Sure, on very rare occasions, Someone will reach out to us to tell us a bit of good news. But by far, we are contacted because life is painful and overwhelming and tough. Not because it’s easy or good.

We understand that, and that’s why we exist - to accompany others through those tough times and to help them to find their way toward better and less turbulent days.

Always, as Someone describes a litany of grievances, bad experiences, or dark feelings, we listen intently, empathetically, and we validate those feelings as real. Because they are.  But we also know that simply staying in those feelings and not ultimately moving beyond them, will never help Someone to move forward and beyond their disillusionment, dread, or despair. It can be a vicious cycle that keeps negativity and inertia thriving and alive, to stay there. So, we will often ask a version of this question at some appropriate point” 

“Is there anything in the midst of all that you are carrying and have been carrying for so long that brings you joy, that gives you peace, that makes you grateful?”

Invariably, the response is so often:

“I really can’t think of anything.”

So, we give them some space to let their answer sink in, and nearly always after a few long moments of silence, they begin to answer with variations such as these:

“Well … this (fill in the blank) actually feels good and kind of joyful.”

“If I stop to think about it …  (fill in the blank) brings me peace of mind when it happens.” 

“Yeah … I am grateful for (fill in the blank) in my life.”

Then, we’ll ask them:

“What about that (fill in the blank) brings you joy/peace/gratitude? We’d love to hear more.”

And then, the whole conversation changes. The tone, the trajectory, and the truth of their circumstances expands into something they were unable to see or feel or articulate earlier. They perk up. They are more energetic. They smile for the first time in the conversation. 

Suddenly light is brought into the darkness. Suddenly, the negative atmospheric pressure in the room is lessened. It shifts, the conversation, and a different perspective begins to emerge. The feelings are lighter, brighter. 

None of that invalidates the feelings expressed before this moment. But it puts an expanded perspective on the moment and sends a reminder - if not a revelation - that all is not lost, all is not ruined, all is not bad. 

November is “National Gratitude Month” in the United States. As our country celebrates Thanksgiving tomorrow, it is an appropriate time to remind one another of the power of giving thanks, the power that gratitude - especially when it is expressed and acknowledged - has to transform our perspectives and enable us to see beyond the darkness, the doubt, and the despair. And to be reminded that there can be more to hold onto than only the bad. And that the good is there underneath, maybe in more ways than we know, to help us through the tough times in our daily lives.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash