Your Caring Means the World to Me
Oct 15, 2025
Most people reach out to Someone To Tell It To because they need safe and non-threatening people to tell their stories to - most often stories of heartbreak, loneliness, grief, disappointment, and pain. They need to know that there are those who care about their challenges, their struggles. They need to know that they are not going through hardships alone. They need to know that others care.
In teaching and training people how to be better, more attentive, more compassionate listeners, we have a six-step course - an in-person version and a self-paced online version. We propose in those courses that these are essential steps to being effective listeners who will make it much easier for Someone to feel comfortable enough to share the truth of what they are going through.
The first step to being good listeners to others’ stories, is to believe that those stories matter, that what Someone is going through is worthy of being told and known. It is important to believe that no matter the circumstances, whether we understand their stories or not, or even agree with their reactions to them or not, the simple act of telling those stories to us begins a healing process in those who tell us their stories. If we as listeners don’t believe this basic truth about one another, we will never truly listen, will never project empathy and care, and will never make Someone feel respected or truly heard. People need to know that others believe in them and want the very best for them, no matter what.
The second step to be good listeners is to also create an environment for listening that is comfortable for the person who comes to us to share their story. We always ask those who reach out to us how they would like to tell their stories to us - in person if that is possible, via Zoom or another connecting online platform, over the phone, through texting, or via email and writing their story. While most people believe that it’s imperative to meet face-to-face, that it’s the very best way to connect on a human level, we have learned that it’s not the case with everyone. In-person connection absolutely can be the best way, for so many of us. But for others, it can be intimidating, unsafe, and a deal-breaker. We learned this early on in Someone To Tell It To’s journey. We’ve spoken and written often about the woman who emailed us that if we met in person or even through a platform such as Zoom (or Skype, at the time), she wouldn’t tell us the truth about her life. To be seen by us was frightening, she wrote. She knew that if she was seen - face-to-face or on a screen - she couldn’t and wouldn’t tell the full story that she knew she needed to tell to begin to heal. She would want to be liked if she was seen, she confessed. So for more than eight years she could only write to us to reveal all that she needed us to know.
The third step, and the one we want to illuminate the most today, is that a good listener is also a curious listener. It is one who asks questions and makes responses that help to illuminate the larger story, to grow in understanding of all that it means and what is underneath the surface, and to go deeper in the conversation so that it enables others to tell the fullest story and most honest story they can tell.
It took those eight years for the woman who only wanted to email us to get her fuller story told to us, before we could actually meet in person. She had kept her secrets - and her shame and regret - deep inside for more than five decades. It was going to take significant time for her to reveal all that she needed to reveal to anyone. But when she revealed all that she could and finally was able to meet in person, it was over a beautiful three-hour lunch that connected us more deeply with her than ever before. We were patient with her, letting her set the pace, the place and the time. It was the respectful responses and the non-threatening questions we asked her over those eight years that gave her the courage to see us face-to-face for the very first time, to thank you for the kindness and care we offered to her.
The rest of the restaurant’s lunch patrons had long left their tables before we did. It was quiet and empty except for us and her by the time we left it. Our collective conversation was so engrossing, so deep, so emotionally intimate that none of us even noticed until the end that we were the only ones remaining there that afternoon. The conversation was that powerful. The three hours went by in a heartbeat, a heart-warming, heart-filling connection that was truly sacred and memorable.
Asking good questions opens up the conversation and always makes the connection between the listeners and Someone so much more meaningfully special. We never want anyone to feel as if they are being interrogated. That will shut them down and close them off more quickly than you can imagine. We never want that to happen. We never want to force Someone to tell us something they are not ready to tell until they feel safe and comfortable enough to be vulnerable and willing to tell the larger truths.
Questions such as:
“Why did you do that?” … “Why did you say this”” … and “Why does this bother you so much?”, for example, are not helpful. In fact, they are harmful. The “Why did you? Questions can put others immediately on the defensive. And a defensive person will usually shut down and won’t feel safe sharing the whole truth. The barriers a “Why” question can erect, stops an open exchange and inhibits the connection from growing, deepening, and continuing.
But questions and responses such as:
“Tell me more about what happened?” “How did that make you feel?” “I’m so sorry that happened to you?” “I can’t begin to imagine how hard that must have been for you.”, and “It’s okay to cry.”, for example, will almost always convey that you care, that you’re interested, and that you respect their feelings about what they have gone through.
These kinds of open-ended questions and responses open the doors wider for the true and fuller story to come out. They enable the healing that needs to happen to begin taking place.
We knew that our questions and responses were making a difference during those eight years that we only corresponded in writing, when she wrote to thank us one day:
“Your caring means the world to me. I’m hoping that I may be entering
a period of peace after a few really awful weeks. The sun is shining, it is
warm and pretty outside and such a day has to give one hope”.
Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash
Stay connected with news and updates!
Join our mailing list to receive the latest news and updates from us.
Don't worry, your information will not be shared outside the organization