Listening Compassionately

He rarely gets out of his apartment.

Except for medical appointments or the occasional opportunity to sit in his building’s shaded courtyard to see the flowers and plants and to get some fresh air.

At 95 years of age, his physical limitations restrict him. His mind is razor sharp, though, and he reads and reflects voraciously. He loves stimulating conversations and when we visit with him, he asks questions that foster conversations of depth and illumination. He listens to us, maybe even more than we get to listen to him! He told us he simply wants us to be his friends. We can gratefully accept that sacred request. 

As we’ve reached the half-way point in the 15th year of Someone To Tell It To’s listening work, it inspires reflection on the many different ways and the many people we’ve connected with and listened to. Our friend, described above, is one of the countless people to whom we’ve connected and formed a mutual love and respect.

From the very beginning, we committed to meeting people “where they are”. That means in person and via the evolving and growing technology platforms. It also means not only in our office, but also in peoples’ homes, in hospitals, in coffee shops and restaurants, on walks and hikes. Wherever and however Someone will be most open and comfortable and trusting is where and how we will listen to and form a connection with them.

Some people need the relative anonymity of writing or texting or talking over the phone. Some are willing to share over Zoom or Facetime or Microsoft Teams or Google Meet. Some need face-to-face contact, but won’t come to an office, preferring instead to meet in a space in which they choose, because it feels safe for them. We respect that.

We’ve always been open to meeting people where they are because we know that different people need different ways to connect and to share vulnerability. They feel as if they have a little more control over what can be an anxiety-producing experience, especially the first time they meet with our listeners who are almost always strangers to them. 

Whatever is going to take to help make the connection be the best it can be, is what we have always been willing to do. We know that one size does not fit all. We realize that giving others some control over the environment in which they are listened to, increases their comfort levels and decreases their fears and anxieties.  

It works. So many people keep coming back. They refer others to us. They tell us that they feel immediately comfortable and willing to share more personally and deeply. They feel better when we give them our undivided attention, as free from distraction as is possible. Those who can, support our work through donations. They want to help others who need our listening ears and compassionate hearts. They want to 'pay-it-forward’ as a way to say “thank you”.

Through technology, we’ve listened to people from across the United States and throughout the world, surprising us along the way that they would reach out from so far away. But being Pennsylvania-based, we’ve connected with people in Hawaii, Ukraine (especially since the war there), New Zealand, Hong Kong, Germany, the United Kingdom, Saudi Arabia, Sudan, and Kenya,and other states and countries thousands of miles from our home base. We’ve learned that despite our cultural, spiritual, and governmental circumstances, we human beings have so many of the same needs, dreams, and hopes no matter where we have been born or live. When we’re able to get to the heart of a matter for Someone, we see those common human needs so very clearly and deeply.

Because we have so often connected in very emotionally intimate ways with others as we accompany them through their difficulties, there have been times we’ve been asked to speak at or lead their funerals. Several have made it known to their families that when they die(d), they want(ed) us to memorialize them. We’ve led many funerals for those with whom we’ve formed significant bonds. We‘ve been asked to lead wedding services, too, often because we’ve been with them through some of the darkest periods of their lives and now they want us to be a significant part of one of the happiest days of their lives.

Memories swirl in our minds as we think of the visits in parks with the young mother of pre-school age kids who just needed some adults to talk to every once-in-a-while during the day. Of the 74-year-old man feeling profound loss when his twin brother died, the person he was closest to and whom he had known ever since - and even before - they were born. Of the woman who grieves the passing of her mother and the complicated relationship they have had. Of the woman whose job ended and is now trying to find where “home” is and who she is within it. Of the comforting words we’ve tried to say at the funerals of the young couple whose baby was stillborn, of the young father who died from a drug overdose, of those who had died by suicide, of the giving and caring artistic wife and mother who had nurtured a loving family for well over 50 years. Of the young men whose articulateness, sensitivity, and maturity beyond their years, who have questioned how they fit into a culture that doesn’t always celebrate who they are. Of the woman who didn’t believe that she was good enough to visit the beautiful and lush garden in her hometown, where others came from thousands of miles away to see, and whom we took to the garden to tell her that she absolutely was good enough to be there.

More memories continue to be created every single day as Someone To Tell It To’s compassionate listeners connect with and accompany others on their journeys toward better days - because they have been heard and valued and regarded as worthy and good enough to have others care about them.

That is what listening compassionately does.