So Much For Kindness

Two weeks ago, we introduced the book our leadership team is reading together this summer - Theo of Golden.                                                                                                       

Its themes of kindness, compassion, and community are foundational values. They are the same themes that are foundational to our mission and work. The power of generosity, the absolute value of connection, and the beautiful expressions of kindness that are experienced, are quietly transformative for the people whom Theo directly encounters.

The first person that Theo, the book’s protagonist, chooses to get to know through a special connection is Minnette, a Certified Public Accountant who feels suffocated by a career path dictated by her demanding father. She carries deep personal regret over terminating a pregnancy during college to satisfy her father's expectations.  

He chooses her because he says she has a face that mirrors kindness, an attribute essential to him.

He also noticed an undercurrent of sadness in her face, something that he asked her about. Minnete responds with this story:

“I made the mistake of going to my father for advice (after becoming pregnant while in college and unmarried) … I told my dad I was going to drop out of school and marry Derrick (the baby’s father) … my father went berserk, called me some terrible names, reminded me of all the hard work and sacrifice, he’d made for me, and told me to the penny how much my college was costing him. He said I could have a ‘damn kid’ later on, anytime I wanted. He said I'd be letting everybody down … if I let one stupid mistake get in the way of my future.”

Turning sarcastic, she continued:

“”I’d be a disgrace to the family name. It was quite the speech. Like I said, he’s not a very touchy-feely sort of man. Purely pragmatic. And for some reason, I gave in …

“So much for kindness.”

This one of the more prevalent and ongoing themes in our listening work - the lack of compassion and empathy from parents. The lack of grace. The lack of support. The lack of tenderness. 

What feels like the lack of love.

Minnete bowed to her father’s wishes and pressure (she rarely saw her mother, who had long been divorced from her father and who moved to Europe long before). She regretted it and immersed herself in her accounting career. She did marry Derrick. But she didn’t have any children. And she longed to be a mother. Perhaps she wanted to try to redeem her troubled, lonely childhood, to give a child the love, warmth, and kindness she never got from her parents. 

But she did get that from her grandmother, who basically raised her, nurtured her, and molded her. She knew her grandmother loved her and cared about her unconditionally. Her grandmother modeled what Minnete’s parents did not, could not. 

The stories we so often hear express sadness, regret, and longing for parents’ warmth and love. We hear countless stories of unkindness. Of favoritism. Of disappointment. Of hurt. Of estrangement. Of abuse - physical, emotional, sexual, spiritual, and relational. There is great pain in those stories. 

These stories break our hearts and cause us to remind those who tell them that despite what they may have heard growing up - and maybe also throughout adulthood - that it’s not their fault, that they deserve to be and feel loved, that we’re so sorry they didn’t receive the affirmation and kindness they need.

We never give up on reminding others that they matter, that they are deserving of goodness and kindness, and that they are worthy of respect and love that reminds them of these core values that we hold for human beings.

Theo of Golden is filled with unique and commonly human stories of people finding hope, healing, and valuable stories that remind and inspire us all of these basic and vital needs that each one of us in this common life share together.

Two weeks ago, we introduced the book our leadership team is reading together this summer - Theo of Golden.                                                                                                       

Its themes of kindness, compassion, and community are foundational values. They are the same themes that are foundational to our mission and work. The power of generosity, the absolute value of connection, and the beautiful expressions of kindness that are experienced, are quietly transformative for the people whom Theo directly encounters.

The first person that Theo, the book’s protagonist, chooses to get to know through a special connection is Minnette, a Certified Public Accountant who feels suffocated by a career path dictated by her demanding father. She carries deep personal regret over terminating a pregnancy during college to satisfy her father's expectations.  

He chooses her because he says she has a face that mirrors kindness, an attribute essential to him.

He also noticed an undercurrent of sadness in her face, something that he asked her about. Minnete responds with this story:

“I made the mistake of going to my father for advice (after becoming pregnant while in college and unmarried) … I told my dad I was going to drop out of school and marry Derrick (the baby’s father) … my father went berserk, called me some terrible names, reminded me of all the hard work and sacrifice, he’d made for me, and told me to the penny how much my college was costing him. He said I could have a ‘damn kid’ later on, anytime I wanted. He said I'd be letting everybody down … if I let one stupid mistake get in the way of my future.”

Turning sarcastic, she continued:

“”I’d be a disgrace to the family name. It was quite the speech. Like I said, he’s not a very touchy-feely sort of man. Purely pragmatic. And for some reason, I gave in …

“So much for kindness.”

This one of the more prevalent and ongoing themes in our listening work - the lack of compassion and empathy from parents. The lack of grace. The lack of support. The lack of tenderness. 

What feels like the lack of love.

Minnete bowed to her father’s wishes and pressure (she rarely saw her mother, who had long been divorced from her father and who moved to Europe long before). She regretted it and immersed herself in her accounting career. She did marry Derrick. But she didn’t have any children. And she longed to be a mother. Perhaps she wanted to try to redeem her troubled, lonely childhood, to give a child the love, warmth, and kindness she never got from her parents. 

But she did get that from her grandmother, who basically raised her, nurtured her, and molded her. She knew her grandmother loved her and cared about her unconditionally. Her grandmother modeled what Minnete’s parents did not, could not. 

The stories we so often hear express sadness, regret, and longing for parents’ warmth and love. We hear countless stories of unkindness. Of favoritism. Of disappointment. Of hurt. Of estrangement. Of abuse - physical, emotional, sexual, spiritual, and relational. There is great pain in those stories. 

These stories break our hearts and cause us to remind those who tell them that despite what they may have heard growing up - and maybe also throughout adulthood - that it’s not their fault, that they deserve to be and feel loved, that we’re so sorry they didn’t receive the affirmation and kindness they need.

We never give up on reminding others that they matter, that they are deserving of goodness and kindness, and that they are worthy of respect and love that reminds them of these core values that we hold for human beings.

Theo of Golden is filled with unique and commonly human stories of people finding hope, healing, and valuable stories that remind and inspire us all of these basic and vital needs that each one of us in this common life share together.

Photo by kilarov on Unsplash